The Rubdown

Review: Thai Retreat, Sai Ying Pun

Please Note: Fans of this blog, please see our new site at www.therubdown.hk. Here you can see our reviews, and you'll be able to search for spas and massage parlors too! We welcome collaborators, suggestions, questions and comments. Email us at therubdownhk@gmail.com!  Now on with the show...

The boy and I have good things to say about a new massage place in Sai Ying Pun: Thai Retreat on Queens Road West. At first, I was a little hesitant, because it's not on the ground floor so you can't get a good look at the joint before you go in. But have no fear, Thai Retreat isn't scary like The Forest, and it's nearly as cheap.

Thai Retreat is run by Su, a Thai woman who says she used to work at ET Brilliant. It's on the first floor, up one flight of stairs. The place is basic but clean and tastefully decorated, with low lighting -- no blaring Canto TV or fluorescent lighting. The reception area can accommodate four foot massage customers, and there are 3 private rooms for body massage. We called ahead and booked two body massages for 9 p.m. on a Thursday. They offer Swedish, hot stone, lymphatic and Thai body massage (all $188 for 50 minutes) plus acupressure ($168 for 50 minutes). You can also get a facial ($238), foot reflexology ($118) and a combo head massage + ear candling ($138).

When we showed up, Su and a second staffer were there, but we had to wait for another masseuse to arrive before we could get started. Meanwhile we had tea, plus some Thai coconut beverage that was rather tasty. After 15 minutes the other masseuse arrived and we were on our way. My boy, who prefers a lighter touch, opted for the Swedish with Mina, while I went for the lymphatic with Su. There's no funny business here; a sign on the back of the door in each private room says, rather sincerely: "Sorry! NO SEX SERVICE." You can read my boy's funny review on his site, Hong Kong Hitch.

Generally, lymphatic massage is on the gentle side. It is intended to promote the removal of bodily  toxins and waste. Read more about the lymph system here. Lymphatic massage is useful for people with edema or those of you who feel like you are retaining a lot of fluid. It's also said to help improve the metabolism. You can read more about the benefits here.

Su's version of lymphatic massage is the firmest I've ever experienced, and unlike most other lymphatic massages I've had, she used oil. Su is about 1.5 meters tall, with no discernible biceps and a total body weight of less than 50 kg for sure, but the gal is strong! I tend to like a lot of pressure in my rubdowns, and Su delivered, but if you prefer a lighter touch, be sure to ask -- her English is passable and she seemed eager for feedback. The massage ended up being pretty much a Thai style workover, with a lot of focus on the lymphatic areas like armpits and upper thighs. There was even stretching and the typical contortionist moves toward the end. A nice touch was a large, hot, citrus-scented towel over the back at the finale -- no going home oily. 

Final thoughts: Best combo of atmosphere and price we've found in the area.

Thai Retreat, 291 Queens Road West, 1/F, Sai Ying Pun. Map.

Phone 2882 2396 or 5126 5797.

Hours 10 a.m. to 11 p.m., although later appointments seem to be available upon request.

Review: The Forest Foot Spa & Beauty, Sai Ying Pun

Please Note: Fans of this blog, please see our new site at www.therubdown.hk. Here you can see our reviews, and you'll be able to search for spas and massage parlors too! We welcome collaborators, suggestions, questions and comments. Email us at therubdownhk@gmail.com!  Now on with the show...

Last weekend, my boyfriend and I were in dire need of a quick massage near our flat. We remembered seeing a small massage parlor in a tiny alley just off Des Voeux Road in Sai Ying Pun and decided to give it a shot. The place, called The Forest Foot Spa & Beauty, was modest, but we were greeted by a very friendly woman who sat us down in the standard giant orange foot massage chairs to decide what we wanted.  My boyfriend opted for a $178, 50-minute, Aromatherapy body massage. He left me to get my $198 foot massage and neck-and-shoulder rub condo in the outer room. In the next few graphs, he describes his experience:

"I was directed to the bathroom and that's when the doubt set in. It was dark, dank, gray and had a nasty-looking shower stall housing mops, buckets and other junk. Then I was led into a tiny, brightly lit room that barely could fit the two massage tables that were inside. "Hoooooly craaaap" was what popped into my head. The walls were mildewy, a random Chinese musical instrument in one corner and a mop in the other corner. (Lots of mops for a place that didn't seem to use them that often!) Have you seen any of the "Hostel" movies?  Okay, it was not that bad, but I have spent a good deal of my adult life in CBGB and The Village Idiot in New York. I am not overly fancy pants.  But this gave me real pause.  Dingy is the word that came to mind. "When were these sheets washed?" also ran through my brain. Lying on the table was a pair of the standard massage shorts that I was expected to put on after I disrobed.  Nope.  That was not happenin'. Undies were staying put."

"So, in walks my masseuse, and damn if it wasn't Bea Arthur's long-lost Chinese sister.  Actually, the lady was very nice, but spoke not a word of English.  Luckily, I have mastered "Ting hao de" and "Ow!" which is really all you need during a massage.  The massage itself was actually pretty good and she did a lot of work with her fists, which I liked.  Unfortunately, my feet were jammed against the wall and there was no place to move, so not ideal.  When it was all said and done, I left, feeling better, and also proud of myself for not running away like a little girl.  I can't recommend it, even though it's dirt cheap."

Meanwhile, back in the main room, oblivious to the horrors my boyfriend was enduring, I was brought a tub, lined with a plastic bag, for my foot soak. After about 10 minutes the 50-minute massage began. It was pretty standard. While I was getting rubbed, a man who seemed to be a friend of the owner's watched soccer on TV. Two giant fish tanks sat in the corner. There was nothing special about the massage, though it did end with some nice hot towels wrapped around my calves and feet.

After the 50-minute foot massage, I was led into a small room off the main room for my 30-minute head, shoulder and neck massage. The room was very dark so I couldn't tell how clean the sheets were, but the walls definitely needed a new coat of paint. My masseuse worked on my entire body, not just head, shoulder and neck. But she saved her most intense attention for my neck, using some very strong pressure. I briefly wondered if she were capable of paralyzing me. But it oddly felt good and took my mind off the dilapidated environs.

The prices here are pretty low: 50-minute foot massage, $118; 50-minute Chinese acupressure body massage, $148; 30-minute shoulder and neck massage, $88 (or $80 between noon and 3 p.m.). 50-minute body massages will run from $168 for Thai to $198 for lymphatic slimming. Ear candling is $128 for 25 minutes, manicures are $78 and pedicures are $98. They have packages that will save you a few bucks.

Final thought: The staff is friendly; too bad they don't put more effort into the appearance of the place. Best for cheapskates who are not put off by grime.

The Forest. Shop B, Sung Hing House, 2 Sung Hing Lane, just west of Kwai Heung Street off Des Voeux Road West. 2548 1017. map.

Review: ET Brilliant, Sai Ying Pun (Western District)

Please Note: Fans of this blog, please see our new site at www.therubdown.hk. Here you can see our reviews, and you'll be able to search for spas and massage parlors too! We welcome collaborators, suggestions, questions and comments. Email us at therubdownhk@gmail.com!  Now on with the show...

The boy and I checked out ET Brilliant one night after work last week, in search of a cheap massage to get some kinks out of our backs. Between Sheung Wan and Kennedy Town, there aren't that many places to choose from, particularly at 10 p.m., so ET Brilliant was it.

I have no idea what is up with the bizarre name, but ET Brilliant has good curb appeal and is located in the same building as kush serviced apartments at 255 Des Voeux Road West. The ground floor has a reception area (bonus: free chocolates) and a nicely outfitted foot-massage zone with hardwood floors and about 8 to 10 chairs. The place seemed clean, the lighting is low and there's no Chinese TV playing loudly. Tea is served to customers upon arrival.

Among the services on offer: foot reflexology ($148), acupressure ($188), Swedish oil body massage ($268), hot stone body massage ($268), lymphatic body massage ($268), Thai body massage ($268), facials ($238-288), ear or navel candle plus neck and shoulder massage ($198) cupping ($148) scraping ($148). (All those prices are for 50-minute sessions). They also offer waxing (legs, $280; bikini, $280; underarm, $100). There are package deals; pay for 10 sessions and get three free.

The boy went for Swedish massage, while I opted for hot stone. The last hot stone massage I had was in Sedona, Arizona, at L'Auberge d'Sedona, and it was awesome. It was also roughly eight times as expensive as this one. So, I adjusted my expectations downward. We were led up to the upper floor, which if you are over 6 feet tall you will find claustrophobic. There are about four private massage cubicles, each very tiny. They are not completely walled off near the ceiling, and they are not very soundproof. It seems highly improbably that there would be any happy endings in this place, because it's almost impossible not to hear what's going on in the next cubicle. They also had a sign posted stating that they only offer "regular" massage services.

In case you are faced with the to-underwear-or-not-to-underwear question: My masseuse brought me a disposable thong. The boy reports that he was offered no disposable undergarments and kept his boxers on for his massage.

While my stones were heating, my masseuse gave me a basic warm-up. After about 10 minutes she fetched the stones. I was lying face down, so I'm not sure exactly what the problem was, but she seemed to have no place to put them in the massage cubicle, so just dropped them on the floor. Repeatedly.

The stones were the proper temperature, not too hot or too cold. She did a decent job with them and focused on the shoulder blade that was killing me, though she didn't seem to understand any English so other than pointing it was not possible to communicate specific concerns. About 35 minutes into the massage, her cell phone rang, and she answered it! She talked for like 2 minutes and then went back to the rubbing. Sorry, but cell phones should not be ringing during my massage and they certainly shouldn't be answered.

The boy reported that his masseuse also took a call on her mobile during his massage.

The verdict: for the price, the massages are not half bad, but not super skillful. Expect a basic rubdown without a lot of technique, and an atmosphere that's a cut above your hole-in-the-wall Chinese place but a notch below the nicer joints in Central. My kink was not 100% worked out by the end of the massage, but I did have some improvement.

ET Brilliant. 255 Des Voeux Road West, Sai Ying Pun. map. 

Hours: 11 a.m. to midnight daily

Phone: 2858-8689.